Richard Hammond: [referring to Jeremy being stopped for speeding in France] How fast, were you going when you were stopped?
Jeremy Clarkson: I strayed slightly over the speed limit there and was caught and they dealt with me efficiently and courteously, as befits a civilised nation which is of course what France is.
James May: No: France is a country you have to drive through to get to Italy, that's all it's for. Right?
Richard Hammond: He's not going to like it.
Jeremy Clarkson: It's look, the fact of the matter is: they've got better cheese; they've got better wine...
James May: No they haven't!
Jeremy Clarkson: They have!
James May: They haven't got better cheese: they are a bunch of treacherous, lamb-burning work-shy peasants.
Richard Hammond: [before the bobsleigh vs Mitsubishi Evo challenge with James] But, my bobsleigh was custom built for going on ice, your car has had to be sort of adapted with clever tyres and stuff.
James May: You're wearing tights.
Richard Hammond: Yeah.
James May: I can't take lectures on physics from a man wearing tights.
Richard Hammond: I am aware of the tights...
James May: Dancing, yes. Physics, no.
Richard Hammond: I didn't tell you this it's developed a terrible rattle.
James May: What has? Jeremy?
Richard Hammond: Well, he says it's the car - could be his hip.
James May: Don't tell me, it's at - motorway cruising speed?
Richard Hammond: Do you know, it is!
Jeremy Clarkson: See, this is the thing that interests me because obviously when I first saw you kicking around, I assumed you'd be like 'cushions and wild flowers', and it turns out - it turns out that you do have a genuine love for engineering.
Eddie Izzard: No I'm an action-transvestite.
Richard Hammond: I don't want to die in tights!
Richard Hammond: [refering to the Mercedes AMG Wagen] It's hilarious! It's a bit like those stories you hear of a 21 year-old lap dancer marrying an 86 year-old billionaire. It doesn't sound natural, but let's face it, they're both going to have a great time.
James May: The interesting thing about the French nation, I think because they are essentially peasants and communists, is that they are quite good at the fairly small and fairly simple car.
Jeremy Clarkson: You see right now I'm driving through a tiny little village, very rural, miles from any big city and if this were America it would be full of people doing... whatever it is they do. Incest mostly.
Richard Hammond: Inside every supercar buyer, no matter how many petrochemical companies they own, there is a ten-year-old kid.
Richard Hammond: [referring to the Mazda MX5] This is the perfect car for racing a greyhound round a track.
Richard Hammond: The greyhound is the second fastest accelerating animal on the planet. The first is the cheetah but, they're a bit scary.
James May: [during the Biathlon] Of course the great thing about Jeremy's shooting is that, you are perfectly safe, just as long as you are standing right in front of the target.
Jeremy Clarkson: Biathletes need to eat six thousand calories a date - six thousand! That's the equivalent of: two pounds of butter, seventy slices of bread, a hundred and twelve eggs, eighty-six tubs of yoghurt, twenty-eight potatoes, a hundred and seventeen biscuits and, twenty-one Twix bars. I could be an Olympic biathlete!
Jeremy Clarkson: [fearing the forfeit for losing the race to James] I don't want to eat golden snow!
Jeremy Clarkson: [After setting a car wash on fire, with their convertible Renault Espace] Thing is, we managed to set fire to something that is basically made of water.
Richard Hammond: How did we do that? Did you see the owner of the car wash afterwards? He was cross, very cross.
James May: He was especially cross after I rang him up and asked for our three pounds fifty back.
May: To test for speed, they'd have to give the driver a hoover.
May: You know when you're at a big party, at the end of it everybody's asleep, the bloke who's on speed is always hoovering.
Clarkson: The rock and roll years, with James May!
Hammond: I can just imagine the hotel: 'I hope Mr May hasn't trashed his bedroom... Oh it's immaculate'!
Jeremy Clarkson: [Talking about the new Z06] As something to live with everyday, I would rather have bird flu.
Jeremy Clarkson: [during the amphibious car challenge - James looks set to win to Jeremy's displeasure] If he drives out the water I'm going to kill myself.
Richard Hammond: Fair enough.
Jeremy Clarkson: [during the amphibious car challenge - James had problems on the way to the reservoir in Leek]: The big question was, which would arrive first: summer, or James May?
Jeremy Clarkson [narrating after driving Past James May on they way to Rudyard Reservoir near Leek]: In the traditional sense of Top Gear comradeship, we left James behind.
Jeremy Clarkson: Anyone who washes their car either has a small mind, or an unhappy marriage.
Richard Hammond: I turn it into a family occasion. My eldest daughter is five, and she loves cleaning the car with me. We share it.
Jeremy Clarkson: Do you live in a yogurt commercial?
Richard Hammond: I'll be honest with you, I've added a bit of weight. But it umm...
Jeremy Clarkson: How much weight?
Richard Hammond: A couple of tonnes, Umm.. But it looks...
Jeremy Clarkson: A couple of?
Richard Hammond: Tonnes...
Jeremy Clarkson: Tests have shown that in an S Class your heart beats 5 or 6 fewer times a minute then it does in say a BMW. So if you buy one of these, you'll live longer.
Jeremy Clarkson: [Hears a train going by as he is lying in bed] Oh good a train!
Richard Hammond: Nice, that's nice.
Jeremy Clarkson: Listen. How often is that gonna happen all night?
James May: It's alright. It's romantic.
Richard Hammond: Don't say things like that! I'm on the same bed as you!
Jeremy Clarkson: [referring to the Vauxhall VXR] There's only one word to describe this car; begins in 'S', ends in 'T' and it isn't 'soot'.
Jeremy Clarkson: A 161 mph Vectra. That's like watching someone from Weight Watchers do the four minute mile.
Richard Hammond: [Installing the engine in the kit car] It's in!
Jeremy Clarkson: Yes! Start it up!
Richard Hammond: It's not that in.
James May: Look at the picture.
Jeremy Clarkson: It doesn't tell me anything!
James May: It does!
Jeremy Clarkson: They may as well have just photographed your arse!
Jeremy Clarkson: You've got to be faster that you are being - speed is what matters today seriously. Guess and go faster.
James May: Shut up Jeremy.
James May: [talking about the Renault Master van] I think it's quite... chic.
Jeremy Clarkson: How can it be chic it's a van!?
James May: Yeah but it is a very, very good looking van.
Jeremy Clarkson: It's as good looking as a plumber's bum crack, James!
Jeremy Clarkson: [Taking a dig at Richard Hammond about his allegedly whitened teeth] Why don't you tell the audience, with your Tipp-Ex teeth...
Jeremy Clarkson: Anyway listen this is the big question I guess everybody wants to know. Ready? Are you now a mental?
Richard Hammond: No! I'm not! I'm fixed! I'm completely fixed and normal and healed thank you what are you doing?
James May: Well you know it's a, it's a tissue for if you start dribbling.
Richard Hammond: That's all I've had for four months.
James May: What, tissues?
Richard Hammond: No! People hanging around just watching waiting for my eyes to point in different direction and me to go bonkers. I'm fixed. I'm normal.
Jeremy Clarkson: Are you the same person that you were before?
Richard Hammond: Yes. I mean the doctors were worried because it's brain damage - about you know, personality change or whatever, but, no the only difference between me now, and me before the crash, is I like celery now and didn't...
James May: And if I take you to the pub are you still going to want to punch me in the face after fifteen minutes?
Richard Hammond: Yes though that's to be honest, more your personality than mine.
Jeremy Clarkson: I always want to punch him in the face after fifteen minutes - sometimes less.
Richard Hammond: [Richard's prophetic words to camera before his accident] So my challenge today is to drive this thing, except, that's not the full story because my challenge today is to drive this thing and hit this innocent-looking little button. Because when I do that, it send a flame, shooting through the engine which ignites the afterburner. And when that happens I haven't got 5,000 horse power, I've got, 10,000 horse power, and possibly the biggest accident, you've ever seen in your life.
Jeremy Clarkson: [referring to Richard's jet-car crash] I could've held it.
Richard Hammond: What, in the world's longest power slide? Whilst telling us the price and there was no room in the boot?
James May: (looking a dark pictures of three cars in the dark) I can imagine what the photographer was saying "is the light good for you? no there still is some"