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Once upon a time, there was Top Gear

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Episode 5x08


Richard Hammond: [referring to Jeremy being stopped for speeding in France] How fast, were you going when you were stopped?
Jeremy Clarkson: I strayed slightly over the speed limit there and was caught and they dealt with me efficiently and courteously, as befits a civilised nation which is of course what France is.
James May: No: France is a country you have to drive through to get to Italy, that's all it's for. Right?
Richard Hammond: He's not going to like it.
Jeremy Clarkson: It's look, the fact of the matter is: they've got better cheese; they've got better wine...
James May: No they haven't!
Jeremy Clarkson: They have!
James May: They haven't got better cheese: they are a bunch of treacherous, lamb-burning work-shy peasants.
*

Richard Hammond: [before the bobsleigh vs Mitsubishi Evo challenge with James] But, my bobsleigh was custom built for going on ice, your car has had to be sort of adapted with clever tyres and stuff.
James May: You're wearing tights.
Richard Hammond: Yeah.
James May: I can't take lectures on physics from a man wearing tights.
Richard Hammond: I am aware of the tights...
James May: Dancing, yes. Physics, no.
*

Richard Hammond: I didn't tell you this it's developed a terrible rattle.
James May: What has? Jeremy?
Richard Hammond: Well, he says it's the car - could be his hip.
James May: Don't tell me, it's at - motorway cruising speed?
Richard Hammond: Do you know, it is!
*

Jeremy Clarkson: See, this is the thing that interests me because obviously when I first saw you kicking around, I assumed you'd be like 'cushions and wild flowers', and it turns out - it turns out that you do have a genuine love for engineering.
Eddie Izzard: No I'm an action-transvestite.
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Richard Hammond: I don't want to die in tights!
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Episode 5x09


Richard Hammond: [refering to the Mercedes AMG Wagen] It's hilarious! It's a bit like those stories you hear of a 21 year-old lap dancer marrying an 86 year-old billionaire. It doesn't sound natural, but let's face it, they're both going to have a great time.
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6x01-08: (none)

Episode 6x09


James May: The interesting thing about the French nation, I think because they are essentially peasants and communists, is that they are quite good at the fairly small and fairly simple car.
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Episode 6x10
(none)

Episode 6x11


Jeremy Clarkson: You see right now I'm driving through a tiny little village, very rural, miles from any big city and if this were America it would be full of people doing... whatever it is they do. Incest mostly.
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Episode 7x01


Richard Hammond: Inside every supercar buyer, no matter how many petrochemical companies they own, there is a ten-year-old kid.
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Episode 7x02-05
(none)

Episode 7x06


Richard Hammond: [referring to the Mazda MX5] This is the perfect car for racing a greyhound round a track.
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Richard Hammond: The greyhound is the second fastest accelerating animal on the planet. The first is the cheetah but, they're a bit scary.
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Top Gear Winter Olympics Special


James May: [during the Biathlon] Of course the great thing about Jeremy's shooting is that, you are perfectly safe, just as long as you are standing right in front of the target.
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Jeremy Clarkson: Biathletes need to eat six thousand calories a date - six thousand! That's the equivalent of: two pounds of butter, seventy slices of bread, a hundred and twelve eggs, eighty-six tubs of yoghurt, twenty-eight potatoes, a hundred and seventeen biscuits and, twenty-one Twix bars. I could be an Olympic biathlete!
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Jeremy Clarkson: [fearing the forfeit for losing the race to James] I don't want to eat golden snow!
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Episode 8x01


Jeremy Clarkson: [After setting a car wash on fire, with their convertible Renault Espace] Thing is, we managed to set fire to something that is basically made of water.
Richard Hammond: How did we do that? Did you see the owner of the car wash afterwards? He was cross, very cross.
James May: He was especially cross after I rang him up and asked for our three pounds fifty back.
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Episode 8x02


May: To test for speed, they'd have to give the driver a hoover.
Hammond: Eh?
May: You know when you're at a big party, at the end of it everybody's asleep, the bloke who's on speed is always hoovering.
Hammond: What?
Clarkson: The rock and roll years, with James May!
Hammond: I can just imagine the hotel: 'I hope Mr May hasn't trashed his bedroom... Oh it's immaculate'!
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Jeremy Clarkson: [Talking about the new Z06] As something to live with everyday, I would rather have bird flu.
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Episode 8x03


Jeremy Clarkson: [during the amphibious car challenge - James looks set to win to Jeremy's displeasure] If he drives out the water I'm going to kill myself.
Richard Hammond: Fair enough.
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Jeremy Clarkson: [during the amphibious car challenge - James had problems on the way to the reservoir in Leek]: The big question was, which would arrive first: summer, or James May?
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Jeremy Clarkson [narrating after driving Past James May on they way to Rudyard Reservoir near Leek]: In the traditional sense of Top Gear comradeship, we left James behind.
*

Jeremy Clarkson: Anyone who washes their car either has a small mind, or an unhappy marriage.
Richard Hammond: I turn it into a family occasion. My eldest daughter is five, and she loves cleaning the car with me. We share it.
Jeremy Clarkson: Do you live in a yogurt commercial?
*

Richard Hammond: I'll be honest with you, I've added a bit of weight. But it umm...
Jeremy Clarkson: How much weight?
Richard Hammond: A couple of tonnes, Umm.. But it looks...
Jeremy Clarkson: A couple of?
Richard Hammond: Tonnes...
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Episode 8x04


Jeremy Clarkson: Tests have shown that in an S Class your heart beats 5 or 6 fewer times a minute then it does in say a BMW. So if you buy one of these, you'll live longer.
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Episode 8x05
(none)

Episode 8x06


Jeremy Clarkson: [Hears a train going by as he is lying in bed] Oh good a train!
Richard Hammond: Nice, that's nice.
Jeremy Clarkson: Listen. How often is that gonna happen all night?
James May: It's alright. It's romantic.
Richard Hammond: Don't say things like that! I'm on the same bed as you!
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Jeremy Clarkson: [referring to the Vauxhall VXR] There's only one word to describe this car; begins in 'S', ends in 'T' and it isn't 'soot'.
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Jeremy Clarkson: A 161 mph Vectra. That's like watching someone from Weight Watchers do the four minute mile.
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Episode 8x07


Richard Hammond: [Installing the engine in the kit car] It's in!
Jeremy Clarkson: Yes! Start it up!
Richard Hammond: It's not that in.
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James May: Look at the picture.
Jeremy Clarkson: It doesn't tell me anything!
James May: It does!
Jeremy Clarkson: They may as well have just photographed your arse!
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Jeremy Clarkson: You've got to be faster that you are being - speed is what matters today seriously. Guess and go faster.
James May: Shut up Jeremy.
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Episode 8x08


James May: [talking about the Renault Master van] I think it's quite... chic.
Jeremy Clarkson: How can it be chic it's a van!?
James May: Yeah but it is a very, very good looking van.
Jeremy Clarkson: It's as good looking as a plumber's bum crack, James!
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Jeremy Clarkson: [Taking a dig at Richard Hammond about his allegedly whitened teeth] Why don't you tell the audience, with your Tipp-Ex teeth...
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Episode 9x01


Jeremy Clarkson: Anyway listen this is the big question I guess everybody wants to know. Ready? Are you now a mental?
Richard Hammond: No! I'm not! I'm fixed! I'm completely fixed and normal and healed thank you what are you doing?
James May: Well you know it's a, it's a tissue for if you start dribbling.
Richard Hammond: That's all I've had for four months.
James May: What, tissues?
Richard Hammond: No! People hanging around just watching waiting for my eyes to point in different direction and me to go bonkers. I'm fixed. I'm normal.
Jeremy Clarkson: Are you the same person that you were before?
Richard Hammond: Yes. I mean the doctors were worried because it's brain damage - about you know, personality change or whatever, but, no the only difference between me now, and me before the crash, is I like celery now and didn't...
James May: And if I take you to the pub are you still going to want to punch me in the face after fifteen minutes?
Richard Hammond: Yes though that's to be honest, more your personality than mine.
Jeremy Clarkson: I always want to punch him in the face after fifteen minutes - sometimes less.
*

Richard Hammond: [Richard's prophetic words to camera before his accident] So my challenge today is to drive this thing, except, that's not the full story because my challenge today is to drive this thing and hit this innocent-looking little button. Because when I do that, it send a flame, shooting through the engine which ignites the afterburner. And when that happens I haven't got 5,000 horse power, I've got, 10,000 horse power, and possibly the biggest accident, you've ever seen in your life.
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Jeremy Clarkson: [referring to Richard's jet-car crash] I could've held it.
Richard Hammond: What, in the world's longest power slide? Whilst telling us the price and there was no room in the boot?
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Episode 9x02


James May: (looking a dark pictures of three cars in the dark) I can imagine what the photographer was saying "is the light good for you? no there still is some"
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On November 1st, 2011 07:33 am (UTC), pineoga commented:
Couldnt agree more with that, very attractive article

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— On February 11th, 2012 01:39 am (UTC), joleeyla posted a reply · Expand
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